Inpromptu trust technique

Tonto’s health has been failing and it feels like my world is falling apart.

I am doing everything I can for him, but it feels like I am loosing the battle atm.

Fridays blood results (got some blood on a third attempt poor boy) reveal that he is still borderline not cushions (27.5 on ATCH test, anything below 29 is considered normal) and his liver and kidneys appear to be holding up (there were low level white blood cell markers again, but this could be due to stress). Whilst this all sounds very positive – it means that the source of T’s discomfort is most likely arthritis – something I cannot cure with medication. It is looking very likely that Tonto has seen his last Christmas.

Of late Tonto has been a bit depressed, he spends a lot of time standing with his head lowered. He has pain written across his face with tense eyes and pursed lips. He has not kept his weight and feels the cold easily. He has lost his confidence with others and is being bossed around which is unlike him. And he is sometimes very slow, and stands camped up, shifting weight uncomfortably between his back legs. I think he might also be struggling to get up and down to the ground. His quality of life is not great and I cannot let him continue to suffer.

I have been feeling the weight of this terrible decision and have been very low.

Yesterday I was pleased to see that Tonto was having a good day. He whinnied when he saw me at the gate and he and Sof came happily trotting over. We had a lovely walk, Mr T was striding out and dragging Karen around. She had kindly offered to lead him – but in reality T lead her around the block. Perhaps the recent rain has made the ground more comfortable for him.

Sof and Tonto with matching plats (and missing manes) before the sun came out

After I turned them back out I decided to inspect the track and collect last weeks’ haynets. It had drizzled most of the day but the evening was warm with bright blue skies and radiant green from the fresh grass. It was a nice evening for a stroll. I passed the snoozing bunnies who seem to take little notice of me. I was on the loop back, enjoying the nearby bird song, when I noticed Tonts trundling towards me.

At first he was a bit apprehensive – unsure of the haynets in my hand. I showed them to him and he soon relaxed. He then just stood fairly close by to me, seemingly enjoying my company. I decided to give him a little scratch, which he enjoyed, and then we stood, leaning on each other, enjoying the evening sunshine peacefully.

I became aware that I was very relaxed, probably much calmer than I have been in several weeks, and Tonto’s bottom lip had become floppy and his head lowered – a sure sign that he is having a doze. I decided to take a seat on the floor to see if he would join me on the ground.

I then tried to actively meditate (performing trust technique). When I did I felt a weight in my chest, a heavy sadness, I could not tell if it was my sadness or Tontos. He let of a few yawns and licking and chewing, but remained sleepy. Perhaps he was letting go of his sadness, or picking up on mine. I tried to remain peaceful, whilst sporadically telling Tonts I loved him. His head dropped further and his eyes closed. He clearly wanted to lie down with me.

The moment was briefly interrupted by nosey Sof who wanted to know what was going on. She wandered over, which woke Tonto up has he whinnied and stamped his foot at her, clearly not wanting to share me. Sof ignored him, bumped her nose to my hand saying ‘hey’ then wandered off for some more grazing leaving us in peace.

Me and Tonto stayed in our on little zen world until a noise from the woods spooked him. He woke up and the spell was broken. He came up to me, gave me the same little fist/nose bump Sof had done, then wandered off to join Sof at the far end of the track for a graze.

I remained seated and considered what had just happened. We definitely had a moment. And it was a moment that Tonto had started. Perhaps he started it because I was in a relaxed frame of mind, which is becoming increasingly rare due to worry. We definitely communicated that we loved each other, and it sounds really odd, but I got the feeling that Tonto was desperate for me to be peaceful and happy. The trust technique is all about helping your animals be peaceful, but I wonder if Tonto was trying to help me.

On Friday the vet is out again to inject Tonto’s hocks and hopefully provide him with some relief. I really hope it works. Not sure what I will do without this special horse in my life.

I guess the silver lining to all this is that Tonto’s condition means that I can enjoy him for what he is. I no longer ask him to do anything, I rarely even lead him. Most of the time he is loose and follows me and Sof around. He is completely at liberty which has allowed the subtleness of our relationship to flourish.

I hope that in future I remember to make the same time and space for Sofie.