The rescue

The week after my monumental fuck-up was a week of panic phone calls, trying to find a yard to move Sofie to and a way of getting her there and finding a way of paying for it.

The whole thing is far more complicated when you are pregnant. I am not meant to lift anything, I cannot risk loading Sofie myself, and I am also generally meant to be avoiding stress. Also my system is full of hormones so trying to be rational and make sensible decisions and communicate clearly is almost impossible. I am also in trouble with my husband, he is very disappointed that Sofie has returned, the term ‘millstone round your neck’ was used.

Never-the-less I have lovely friends and family. Dad promised to cover livery if I couldn’t, which made livery options possible. Our old yard would accept us back with open arms at short notice. Gem offered to collect Sofie in her lorry and her lovely bf offered to be on hand to provide some muscle. My neighbour Scott offered to help me move her stuff using his van and basically do all the lifting for me. I hate being so useless!

It was a Friday evening pick up, Katie had moved Sofie to a field nearer home and popped her rug on. Sofies sweet itch was already looking better which made me feel even more foolish about how I handled the whole thing. Still too late now, nothing left to do but collect.

Scott and I arrived on time and loaded up. Sofie was pleased to see me and gave me a little whinny on arrival. This made me feel worlds better. Gem got stuck in traffic so arrived late, and then had difficulty getting her lorry through the tight gate. This meant we started loading Sofie much later than planned. Poor Sofie was a bit startled by the who situation and refused to load. She dragged Gem off her feet so I took over. I stopped her from tanking, but was persuaded by everyone that this wasn’t something I should be doing. Gems boyfriend had a go instead. He didn’t have much more luck. We tired lundge lines and a whip – but that just made it worse. It was getting dark and I hated stressing Sofie out and keeping everyone waiting.

Then Katie arrived to move in some hay. I felt very awkward, having not seen her since our fall out. Katie was actually very sweet and offered to get a bucket of feed to help. This gave me the idea to put treats in a feed bucket and wave it from the jockey door. Instantly this did the trick – sof not only had the draw of food but could also see that the box was not a dead end and so felt comfortable enough to entre. I quickly tied her up, got my arm a bit squished in the process, but at least bump was out of harms way. Soon we were off back home.

By this point it was getting very dark – nearly 10pm. I rushed Sofie down the field with Sam – again I couldn’t lead her which was annoying. It was so dark we couldn’t see the horses in the field we were trying to lead though. On sues a horse tornado as Sofie is attacked by three horses and poor Sam is at the centre of the whirlwind. I definalty should not be in a horse tornado whilst pregnant. Thankfully another livery came to our rescue and between the 3 of us after 30mins of scrabbling around in the dark and we manage to finally rescue Sofie from her persecutors and put her in a field on her own.

Poor poor Sofie, what I horrid welcome home! It is also very clear that I am in no position to care for her. What a mess!

I spoke too soon

I spoke too soon!

The brood mare plan didn’t quite work out, and I am largely to blame.

Initially everything was great, Katie’s fields are lovely, Sofie seemed happy in the fields. She wasn’t particularly impressed with the stallion, who bless him is only a baby, she chased him off every time he tried to say hello. Katie was giving me regular updates and her boyfriend was enjoying the quiet rides they were going on. Awesome.

I missed Sofie terribly. Giving her up was really hard. I tried to unsubscribe to all my horsey facebook groups as every horse that appeared just reminded me what I had lost. Unfortunately a lot of my friends are horsey friends so this made it almost impossible to remove horses altogether. I tried occupying my time with gardening and baby prep, but my heart wasn’t in it. In fact, horrid it is to admit, I have started to resent baby for costing me Sofie. Turns out I can give up my body, my career, my social life, alcohol, food, privacy without batting an eye… but giving up Sofie is more difficult than all those things together. Still needs must, and baring a weekly visit I was slowly getting used to life sans horses.

But then her feet started cracking, Katie got them checked by her farrier who said they are shockingly short and she is walking entirely on her soles. This is pretty upsetting to hear, especially when I thought her feet were doing pretty well when I dropped her off. Problem is, despite reading several books on farriery and hoof care and subscribing to the foot dissection blog channels – yup I am that odd, I didn’t really feel like I knew enough to doubt the farrier. There is clearly a difference in opinion between the farrier and my trimmer, but I didn’t feel qualified to say who was right either way. Katie did offer for me to talk to the farrier about this, but given I didn’t feel like I had suffient knowledge and knowing it would stress me out I declined. I am meant to be doing my outmost to not be stressed right now after all. I tried to be rational, Sofie will be the best judge of who is right. If she seems better with the farrier great, if she seems worse I will ask to get the trimmer back. That’s sensible right? Still, niggling anxiety persisted, especially given her previous lameness.

On top of this her sweet itch seemed to be starting.

I then went on holiday, tried to relax and forget about my Sofie worries, tried not to think about Sofie – failed miserably on both accounts. I was very excited to see her when I got back. Alas when I went to see her after my two week break she had sweet itch sores on her face, neck, tail and stomark. Her lovely mane had gone. She had put on weight and the feet had cracked further.

I tried not to panic. I went home and tried to think of other things, but I couldn’t stop fretting. I tried to right a list of possibly solutions with pros and cons to encourage myself to be rational. I promised myself not to have a knee jerk reaction to the situation. I tried talking to friends but still couldn’t quash my anxiety.

I didn’t want to bug Katie about it. We had already discussed the sweetitch, Katie was already treating it daily and explained that rugs were a bad idea when out with a stallion and I was already way overstepping as an owner of a horse on full loan. Also I knew there wasn’t much more she could do about it, other than removing Sofie from the stallion so she could wear her rugs… but that somewhat defeats the purpose of a broodmare home.

I then did a very silly thing. By Sunday evening I still couldn’t stop fretting so I thought – why not consult the internet? NEVER CONSULT THE INTERNET! I am part of a really friendly close fb group called haffy addicts and I naïvely thought an independent view who didn’t know me or Katie might help me find a sensible solution to the situation. I thought it would be reasonably anonymous and would not come up on my fb feed as it is a closed group. NOTHING ON FB IS PRIVATE. So guess what, I posted my concerns, Katie saw the post and understandably was very upset and asked me to collect Sofie by the end of the week.

So I was a nob and utterly blew a lovely home for Sofie, screwed myself and nick financially and endangered my babys health (via my stress levels – haven’t slept since) and upset Katie, all because I could not let go. Fan-bloody-tastic.

All change

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Since loosing Tonto my heart hasn't really been in it, but seeing as there have been lots of changes to update you on I thought it was time to go back to the blog.

In December and January we enjoyed weekend rides, the ground was rubbish and we lost our boots a few times, but Sofie was great and seemed to really enjoy being out and about again. Hannah had to give up riding as her uni commitments were too demanding but as I was back this wasn't a big problem. Things were so good I booked us up to Windsor sponsored ride in September. We tried to attend a ST clinic but it got cancelled. We had a few lessons where Sofie was her usual brilliant self. Mid February we went on the perfect hack around black heath with Elle and Mrs D and I felt like finally things were on the up for me and Sof again.

hack on blackheath

hack to watch some stressage -plotting to enter next time

... Shouldn't have spoken too soon. The next week she seemed sore, reluctant to go forward. Hard to tell but I think it was her feet. She had a few cuts on her heals. Possible the boots had rubbed her, or an overreach, or the boggy ground had let infection into her heals. Either way, with a ski holiday comming up, rubbish weather and no insurance to cover her feet I decided another holiday for Sofie was in order. Que another month of just hugging for Sofie.

This latest bought of lameness also got me thinking about what to do if Sofie doesn't come right after her holiday. The livery announced another £20pcm increase and I was already worried about the amount I was paying. I contacted an old friend from Clandon to see if she was possibly interested in Sofie becoming part of her stud herd. I figured Sofies love of foals and her excellent breeding meant that a brood mare lifestyle might just suit her. Katie was initially interested, but needed to free up some space first. I said I would keep her posted on the lameness front.


In March the spring finally sprung and Sofie and I started some gentle walk hacks. She marched round the block, sans boots, quite happily much to my relief. I once again dreamed of a summer of fun with Sof and then I had some surprising news of my own. I was the one going to have the baby!

Now plenty of people ride pregnant, and manage to have a horse with a baby... but I didn't think I was going to be one of those people. Riding was too risky for me, I have never fallen off Sofie, but it would only take the once and how would I ever live with myself if it cost my child its life. Also I am not brilliant with sleep deprivation and would hate it if Sofie got neglected as a consequence. On top of this I would need to loose the lodger and reduce my pay to maternity pay and so paying for the livery becomes an issue. Decision made, if Katie still wanted her Sofie would be off to have babies.

Ideally Katie wanted a mare that could both be bred from and also be steady enough for her boyfreind to take on the odd poddle. Sofie is a kind sole and so I thought she would be up to the job. The day Katie came to visit it was horribly stormy. Sofie hadn't been ridden much and the wind and rain were up. This wasn't the best day to try a horse. Still I figured, baptism of fire, seeing her on a bad day might reassure Katie that Sofie is safe. I dragged Max out of his feild, much to his bemusement and forced us out on a hack round the block, me on Max, Katie on Sofie. Max doesn't like the wind so he wasn't his usual reliable self. I did wounder if this was a good idea. Thank God Sofie was a saint. We got overtaken by a huge lorry with only inches to spare, and Sofie stood like and angle. We had kids jumping out from hedges and stuff blowing in the wind and she remained calm. We had to walk past a building sight with flapping plastic, concealed diggers and cement mixers going. I asked Katie to lead as I thought it would be too much for Max. Sofie did and got us both past safely. I love that mare! Thankfully so did Katie and so it was arranged. Sofie would be going off for a new life in Frensham, until 2020, though I was welcome to visit as much as I liked.

It was with mixed feelings I dropped her off at Katies. Relieved that I had found a loving and secure home for Sofie whilst I was incapacitated but still very sad that I could no longer ride and be her sole carer. Thankfully Sofie seemed to immediately like her new surroundings. Big fields, lots of grass and BOYS! Yes it looks like she would be happy here. I have visited a few times a week to give her a brush and some TLC and she still seems quite happy. She has been introduced to all the horses now, befriending the big boss Solo, flirting shamelessly with the competition pony Ru and intirly bullying her intended stallion. I am not sure she will be having babies after all! She has been out on a few hacks and been good so far. She is pilling on the pounds but Kaite has a lamanitic mare and diet paddocks, which Sofie has recently been moved to so I can feel rest assured that Katie is going to take the best care of her.

And so for now I just have to accept the occasional visit and updates from Katie. I miss her terribly, but Sofie is happy and I can focus on looking after myself and the increasingly large bump I am walking around with.

Updates might be a bit sparce for a while, but rest assured I will let you know when and if there are new arrivals - both human and equine kind.

Back to reality

I am back from running away to new Zealand and have made it back to the yard. I missed sof whilst I was away so it was great to see her, though it was hard going back.

Hannah has taken excellent care of sof whilst I was away and has helped her through the first difficult weeks. Sof is still a little unsure of being in the yard by herself and has returned to being strong on the way back to the field.  She is worried when I walk away from her on the yard and panics if I am out of sight. I am sure this will get better.

It is nice to be able to soley focus on sofie. We have gone on a few hacks, she isn't very fit so I think we will be doing lots of walking. The ground is rubbish atm anyway. I have given her a terible haircut to try and reduce her sweeting. I went conservative so that I wouldn't need to rug her, but cracked at the first sign of rain so rug is on.

She is a good weight, there is nothing left in the fields.  I am having to pay for hay, pushing livery up to 270, this is nearly 100 more than Clandon.  I am tempted to go back, sofiee doesn't need the add ons and the hacking is better so it is very tempting. Still that is even more change for sof and I haven't really given the hacking a chance yet. I'll re think in spring I think. I can afford the higher prices for now

Today we did some st for the first time in ages. Sof was a superstar. Looking forward to taking her to clinics and sponsored rides in the spring

Mr T Obituary

It has been a day. Reality of loosing T has not sunk in. I feel numb. It is a bit like waking up from a heavy night and not having a hangover, has there been some miracle that will save me from the pain, or will the pain arrive later in full force?

In the mean time I should write an obituary. As it happens I wrote this post for Tonto several years ago when I started this blog. I didn't post it, mainly because I feared it would be incriminating if Tonto hurt someone. However it now seems safe and fitting. My Mr T, love of my life...


So far in this blog I have portrayed Mr T as an angry, pig headed, and aggressive cob. I feel like I have perhaps been unfair on the old boy so I thought I would spend a post rectifying this. 

Mr T is an angry, pig headed, aggressive cob... but he is also kind, loyal, smart and I trust him with my life.

Tonto arrived off the back of a truck from Ireland when he was 2 turning 3. He had nails in his overgrown feet indicating he had once been shod and whip scars and could be seen along his flanks even through is matted coat. He has a deep thick scar on his back right leg which I think he got through getting the leg trapped. I suspect he was tethered at one time. He moved like he had pulled a trap, no concept of canter but could trot like the clappers, with the straight-legged gate used for racing. I think he may have come from a gypsy home but can’t be sure. You could not touch him, he shock from head to foot at the thought and when he got scared he would pin his right side of his body to a wall. He hated men and the smell of cigarette smoke. If he felt threated, instead of running away he would attack. I think he had been cornered and beaten on several occasions. Tonto is smart, very smart. He is also strong willed. He cannot be beaten into submission. I think he must have learnt to attack in order to stop the beatings. I will never really know.

Whatever his previous home it had not been a nice one. He was clearly traumatised. It took us a year before we could even touch his back legs, let alone pick out his feet. It was hard for Tonto to trust people, he knows how terrible humans can be.

A young T and I

I think the fact that my and my sister were two small girls helped a lot. We are about as fierce as a kitten. After a while Tonto started to drop his guard and it became clear he enjoyed attention and actually liked being groomed. The more we gained his trust the more we could do with him. I remember leading him when something spooked him, he charged off and knowing that my 50Kg was nothing against his 500kg I let go of the lead rope. He charged down the track and suddenly realised I was not there and stopped dead. He then spun and charged back to hide behind me. I may have only been 5ft 4, but Tonto had started to see me as his saviour.

Mr T's begging trick

He is smart. He can learn vicariously which I find incredible in a horse. I remember him studying a little pony Bonnie as she begged for treats by raising her foot to get a reward. He watched this for a while and then looked at me and raised his leg the same way, very purposefully. Bloody hell! He has learnt several voice commands, walk, trot, canter, halt, back, back-one. My instructor started to have to spell out words because T would respond to his voice before I got the chance to give the aid. Tonto then learnt to spell. He is a problem solver. I remember free schooling him once when he decided he had enough he went to jump out. A stride or two out he realised the fence was a bit high so he reared up, boxed it and snapped the top bar in half. Then he did a circle to jump the now lower fence. I had to run in front of it to stop him. Cleaver bugger. He seems to understand others intentions. If he was stealing food (chips with ketchup are his favourite) he would be very sneaky, stealth it of your plate and only chew when you were not looking.

Tonto at a Sponsored ride

He is strong. I have seen him shear a bolt in two when he ran through a gate. He has felled several trees which got in his way on a hack. I have seen him drag three full grown men and toss them from his bridle like they were nothing more than rag dolls. He has pushed over brick pillars, and charged through the middle of cross country fences which barely slowed him down. Most horses don’t know how strong they are and are obedient because of this. Tonto knows exactly how strong he is.

Unfortunately Mr T has never once forgotten that people can be mean. He will never trust strangers. He also knows how to control people. Running away from them takes energy, so he makes people run from him if he does not like what they are doing. He can be very intimidating when he chooses.



getting a bit grey
but still loved

Ultimately, everything Tonto does for me is actually very much his choice. Yes I am firm with him and make sure I am still top dog in our relationship, but the reality is Tonto chooses to follow me and knows he does not have to. With this in mind it is incredible how well behaved and accommodating he is. Tonto is very gentle with me. I can lead him without a head collar, just a hand on his chin. When he spots my car he always makes his way over to the gate. He enjoys grooming and the odd cuddle when he is in the right mood. Strangers can still not touch him, yet he is a soppy sod with the people he trusts. To pick up his feet you just tap once gently on his leg. He will go wherever you point if you need him to move. He looked after me on rides. Yes he was at times high spirited but if anything actually dangerous occurred, like another horse bolting or a horse jumping on top of him in the middle of a central reservation of a fast road, he did exactly as I asked. He tolerated a huge amount of pain with his legs and back and still tried his hardest when being ridden, not one buck. How many horses would do that for you?

I think that I love Tonto all the more because he is difficult and complicated. Gaining the trust of a straightforward horse is easy. Gaining the love of a complex and mistrustful horse is so much more rewarding and I think a lot more meaningful.

So before you conclude that Mr T is dangerous and nasty (which many have in the past) be aware that he is also gentle and kind of his own free will.

How do you say goodbye?

So this weekend is our last, the end of a love affair, but how do you say goodbye?

I have made all of the arrangements,  in fact I have accedently booked two people to shoot - the very definition of overkill. I have left the sedative and back up sedative with smee and walked her through everything. I have collected the rugs for fixing and taken off his magnets. I have nearly used up all his drugs.

Today I invited Gemma and Clara down for a pamper. It was a beautiful crisp sunny day. The Autumn leaves were in all their golden glory and the yard was calm bathed in warm sunshine. We made small talk as we groomed Tonto and allowed him to mob us for treats. He actually lay down last night, the first time in months, so we had some mud to brush off his otherwise bright white coat. We platted his main and took photos, all the while T disproved. He has never liked photos.

I took so for a spin in the school to try her new saddle, whilst t chilled an the middle. In part it was just something to do, in part I wanted tomorrow to feel as normal as possible for tonto. Sofie, as always, was lovely. We even had a little canter.

Afterwards there was nothing left to do but turn out. So we all went down the field,  me Clara and sof in front, the heavily pregnant Gemma behind and Mr t last. I let Tonto join Sofie in a field with a fair amount of grass and through in some hay for good measure. More hugs and carrots and then we had to say good bye.


Only I couldn't, I just couldn't say it. In the end I settled for see-ya. As we walked away Tonto stared at us from the gate, willing us to come back. It wa's as if he too did not want to say goodbye either.

So is this it? Does 18 years of devotion end with 'see-ya'. I suppose the words don't matter. Tonto knows I love him, and I know he loves me. Is there anything more to say.

Preparing for a mental breakdown

I have just done it, all the arrangements are in place for Tonto. 11am 20th November. God it is awful,  but I do have a sense of relief, nothing left to organise.

I did have a little wobble this morning, but T was sore today, he flinched when I touched him. This is the right choice.

I had asked the yard but they hadn't got through to the hunt. I went for hunt because t has never liked vets and is terrified of needles. I think it is the way he would prefer. It is also garenteed fast.

As another form of preperation I have got sofie a sharer. I figured having someone to care for them both during the week is good. Since the clocks have changed it is harder for me to get down. And then after t is gone, if I can't face going down I know sofie is cared for, the routine will help her adjust. It also means she is seen whilst I am in new zeland, and can build her fitness over the winter. I haven't asked for any money, figured it's winter and a difficult situation.

Sofies sharers name is hannah, she is very gentle and sweet, T has taken to her and wouldn't let her stop grooming him. I didn't give her a very tougher vetting I was too pleased just to have someone there to look after them. But she is kind which is the main thing.

Due to a miss communication both me and hannah were at the yard together today. I probably was over bossy, I made her have a lesson with Sally. Still it put my mind at ease that hannah had all the tools she needed to bond with sof. Another thing sorted.

I am now pretty much free to have my mental breakdown now