I emailed Nic from Rockley to see if she could help with Sofies collateral ligament damage. Nic said it would be helpful to see her walk so here is some footage from today.
Sofie had her inoculations today, so I thought I might as well take the opportunity to pay the vet a bit more money to tell me what I already know. The lovely Mary assessed Sofie and said no improvement from this time last year... which I already knew but it is still sad to hear. On the lunge on the hard surface she was clearly short strided, and wasn't much better when we put the boots on so we could rule out foot sore (the vet was very bemused by the boots). In the vets opinion, as Sof hasn't responded to any treatment or rest, the damage is likely to be historic, chronic and with scar tissue and therefore there really isn't anything else we can do.
On the up side, the vet said she was lovely and felt there was no reason I couldn't happy hack her if she seemed happy with it. This is sort of the conclusion I have come to myself, but it is nice to hear it from an independent source. She also said I was probably right in my suspicion that she had arthritis in the back hock - though we decided not to look to closely at it.
So there we have it. Two years of stress and heartache for absolutely nothing!
I am probably going to draw a line under it here... but I couldn't resist emailing Nic at Rockley just in case she has any bright ideas. I have the money, and if I can send her whilst I am on my holiday I won't have to worry about Sofie cover.
In other news, the mystery of Sofies rug ripping has been solved. I spent a good half an hour taping off some supitious barbed wire only to turn round to find Samba mounting Sofie! Ah yes, that would do it. Sofie is just too god damn sexy for her own good! hopefully their hormones will settle down soon. No wonder Mr T was so ralled up. He has spent a week watching two girls get it on.
So Jessy and Dove left at the end of September which provided the perfect opportunity to get both Sofie and T some new friends.
DJ is a lovely gentle old boy who needs lots of tlc just like Tonto. He used to share with Jessy but now she has gone I thought he would be perfect for keeping T company. Unfortunately T disagreed and bullied him mercilessly. After a week they were separated and t is back in solitary confinement. He is his own worst enemy.
Sofie however has been far more charming. I put her with Samba, a netoriously feisty mare, known for fighting over food, but like Sof needs to be on a constant diet. I was a little worried for Sof but they have instantly become bbfs. I went down yesterday to find them happily sharing a pile of hay and samba cried when I took Sof away. T was sulking next door. Still it is nice for Sof t have a friend, particularly given the big deciding with t.
The one downside is Sof seems to have found a conspiritor in rug destruction and her second very expensive snuggy hood rug is in pieces.
She is also in season which is driving the boys crazy, especially T who is a particularly randy old man and spent all of yesterday trying to mount her. Sigh.
I have set a date for t, 20th Nov. Of course he has looked better and better since I set it. That said he is really uncomfortable picking out his feet, in part due to infections and also because his back legs, particularly his left does not want to bend. Still, I half expect myself to u turn at the last moment.
And if that wasn't hard enough I lost my lovely cat Woody to cancer. I am terribly sad about it, particularly because I hoped he would help with t (I even made him promise). Woody always gave the best hugs when I cried about T. I have been so upset I have taken to writing poetry. I don't really like poetry - nor am I very good at it, but much like writing this blog I have found it quite cathartic.
Anyway, here is my poem for Woody, it really doesn't do him justice
The worst of the firsts
First time coming home without him here to greet me,
First evening on the sofa without him on my lap,
First trip up the stairs without him by my side,
First night in my bed with empty arms, not sleeping,
But wake to find no warmth snuggled to my back and dawn breaks silently, no announcement from the cat,
First shower without him waiting on the landing,
First trip down the stairs without him at my heals,
First kettle boiled without watchful eyes upon me,
First time I leave the house with no need to say 'goodbye',
Goodbye is endless, love enduring, mourning for the cat
Having said I was hoping Woody would help with T, even though he is not here in a funny way Woody has. I adored Woody, life without him was unthinkable, putting him down was unthinkable, but when it came to it I found I could, I was with him at the end and kept calm and was able to make the call before he truly suffered. It's been a bit over a week, and whilst I miss him terribly, I know I am going to be OK, and I know I made the right decidion. Perhaps it will be the same with T.
Last Saturday I had a lesson with Lucy Chester to see if there was anyway I can sort Tonto's separation anxiety issues without stressing him.
Strangely enough Lucy and my horses at least had crossed paths before. Lucy used to share the lovely haff also named Tor where Sofies old owners used to be. It was this Tor that made them and Lucy interested in haflingers. All parties went on to get their own haffs and were bitterly disappointed when the new haffs turned up and were not the even tempered calm haff that Tor was.
In the case of Sofie, she ended up coming to me as she was too difficult, but Lucy persevered with hers and in the process learnt a huge amount about natural horsemanship and now is making a living sharing her haffy induced knowledge. Back to my theory that you get the horse you need not the one you want.
Anywhos Lucy and Sofies paths crossed twice more when she looked at both Clandon and Westlands to keep her haff. So I think it was about time I joined the party!
I instantly took a liking to Lucy, she has a lovely kindness to her, which Tonto picked up on as he seemed very at ease in her company - which is a rarity with T. Lucy was amused by Tonto's ambling about in the yard when she arrived and loved his cheeky inquisitive nature.
We went to the field as this is where my end goal is - to be able to leave Tonto in the field whilst Sofie is ridden without fretting.
The exercise was one of operant conditioning. We wanted to teach Tonto 3 things:
a) when sofie leaves she comes back
b) when he is calm she comes back
c) when she is away it is nice
In order to achieve this we had me in the field with Tonto doing grounding exercises and feeding treats to distract him whilst Lucy lead Sofie away and back (when Tonto was calm) in ever increasing amounts to stretch his comfort zone. Sofie loved this, it was a day of walking and eating which she was very enthusiastic about. And whilst Tonto did fret a little and called at first, he soon got the idea and was happy to be with me whilst sofie was out of sight which is really impressive on the first session.
All is hunky doory :)
At the end of the session Lucy suggested we leave it there and put Sofie straight back out. She then suggested that I should do this another 7 times and avoid doing things with them together in the mean time so that Tonto gets the idea that they can do things apart. This makes perfect logical sense... but pragmatically is really tricky.
I then had a mini panic. Not sure why this made me panic, it is probably just indicative of how little I can cope with atm. Realistically I only have 3 more weeks of daylight left, I don't think I can secure myself a walker for that many days, and if I can't bring them in I don't get my horse fix and can't treat Tonto's many infections. I also can't go down every day, Nick will divorce me and my family would be peed off that I don't see them either, plus I have a mini-break and a residential course coming up. There is also the issue that I will still most likely be putting Tonto down in November anyway (though he as rallied again which is making me wobble) so do I really want to spend my last few weeks with him in a field making him mildly stressed.
It is so frustrating because I think Lucy's method will work, I just don't have the time of resources to make this happen. I feel like I am failing Tonto here, I am finding having two horses, a full time job, family commitments, a busy social life and outside interests rather challenging. Problem is, however much I adore my horses I don't want my life to be just them and if I am not careful it will be.
So despite how inspiring the session was, and how much hope it promises I think I am going to have to be realistic and say I can't achieve this. I will do the little that I can, if I have a walker I'll give it another go, but without the continuity it is unlikely to work as well. I will also try and get Tonto a different field buddy but still in sight of Sofie. Perhaps I could try and slowly move the fields apart to widen his comfort zone over time. Again, not sure I will have the resources to do this, it really depends upon which fields are available.
Time for a more upbeat post, and luckaly we have something upbeat to blog about :)
Sof and I have started lessons with Sally Ede who is a riding instructor who focuses on biomechanics. She helped us out with flatwork not so long ago and started us on the path to straightness training, but now we are back in the saddle I thought she could also help with my terrible riding position.
Sally is brilliant! Instructors are horses for courses really, some work for you some don't, but Sally deff works for us. The way she explains things makes total sense and she is brilliant at spotting the subtal changes which make all the difference. She is also very attuned to the rider and horse relationship, and can instantly see where my and Sofies real issues lie.
First two lessons were in the field. I have been a bit nervous of the school since the side-saddle lesson. I know it is my nerves that set Sofie off, but until I have them under control I didn't want to ride in the school. I felt this would be a bit of a vicious circle. Plus the field means Tonto can graze whilst we work which is a bonus.
First thing we discovered was that I collapse and arch my back, which totally blocks Sofie's movement. The moment I engaged my core and sat properly Sofie transformed into a beautiful outline and started stepping through. Sally was very impressed with her, I have a beautifully schooled horse - I just need to know how to ride her!
The next thing to note was Sofie is not keen on using one of her back legs.. annoyingly I can't remember which one it was, I think it might be back right. She is not lame, just one sided.
Boyed by the success of the first two lessons I decided it was time to face my fears and ride in the school. I have been doing some ground work in the school to try and overcome the spooky end with Sofie and we are getting better. I have been giving rewards and treats in the scary end to make it a nice place. We started the lesson by getting me to walk round with Sofie on foot. Sally instantly noticed that when I was looking at the floor Sofie was on high alert, but when I was looking up she relaxed. Conclusion, Sofie wants me to lead.
We then did a grounding exercise to calm my nerves. I had a few butterflys in my stomark so needed to settle these down. After a few focused breadths and conscious lowering of energy we all started nodding off so it was time to get on.
Sofie was brilliant, didn't put a foot wrong. She was a bit more looky at scary end, but provided I didn't loose my focus and stayed calm and confident she was fine. She just needed me to take control a bit more. We worked a bit more on my position, I found it harder to concentrate in the school but got there in the end and she started to float around. Again I did notice that she was a bit of a banana on the corners on one reign. Again I can't remember which one.
We go so brave we trotted past as the pigs were squeeling and went down over trotting polls. She didn't give a monkeys about the pigs. Sofie only worries if I worry. The polls she tried her hardest over, she has a big trot when she chooses, but she did rush a bit at the end when she started to loose balance. Sally's conclusion is that Sofie worries when: a) I fret and stop leading and b) when she looses balance.
So the key things I want to focus on now with her are: my confidence, her strength (via straightness training), our ridden balance. So nice to have some clear goals.
I am a bit worried about her hind leg, I'll see if straightness training works, if not I'll get it investigated for arthritis.
In other news Tonto is bloody rallying again - just as soon as I made the decision to put him down! He has gained weight and seems more comfortable of late. He also managed a ride and lead walk to the dear farm, striding out the whole way and even doing an awkward canter back at his field. So I have booked Lucy Chester in to come and see him to see if we can improve the separation anxiety stuff. Lucy is another haffy addict so I have been wanting to meet her for ages anyway and thought it would be worth a punt. I am not convinced we can cure Tonto of his infatuation with Sofie, but it would be very helpful if we could go for a hack without him panicking, especially if he is going to stick around longer (which is still a might not a definite).
ooo in other other news, I got the start of haunches in from Sofie the other night. So pleased.
Apologies for the pause in blogs, once again life got in the way.
Tonto has continued to deteriorate, he now struggles to put his hind feet back down when I pick them up, has repeated skin infections and has lost a lot of weight. Its has been a real worry for me. I have now put him in a pen next door to Sofie so that I can feed him more whilst keeping Sof from ballooning.
I have been doing some straightness training with Sofie, there have been a few bumps on the road - rearing and resisting, but of late she has really started relaxing and trying and I think it is helping our relationship. I think we have almost cracked LFS, shouldering in is getting there and I have just started haunches in - we get a few steps but then she gets confused. I think I am going to go back to shoulder in next week to see if this helps progression. Below is a little clip from a few weeks ago.
I haven't really done any with T - I started but he resisted the forward down and I didn't like pulling him around.
I have also been trying some alternative therapies with Tonto - mainly out of desperation and also to rule out all 'what-ifs' in my mind.
One of these was to have Suz from the straightness training workshop down to do cranio-sacral, equine touch and Reki healing on Tonto and Sofie. Now we already know my views on Reki from the trust technique stuff - but I figure never knock anything until you try it. Tonto seemed to enjoy the treatment, Sofie seemed more sceptical. I then also got Suz to work on me, more out of curiosity then anything else. It was very odd, as soon as she put her hands on me I felt a series of strange sensations all over my body. Then when she touched my problematic left knee I burst into tears - no idea why. Suz said that emotions are often stored in the knees - I don't believe this for one second... and yet since the emotional left knee incident it has actually felt better. I cannot explain this. I am almost annoyed by it because I can't just rule out raki and such like, expect I am just so damn pleased not to have a hurting left knee its hard to stay irritated for too long.
Tonto is also now wearing magnets - again I don't think they will work but I would be delighted to be proven wrong.
And today Silka has started working with Tonto and Sofie on her straightness training like program she has started with LaYarda Reha. With gentle encouragement I could see Tonto was moving more freely. Here is an interesting case study that gives me a bit of hope with T.
and a short vid from today
I should be delighted that some of these things show promise of helping Tonto, but to be honest I am just exhausted. I am exhausted by the constant worry and heartache of watching him slowly crumble in front of my eyes. I am exhausted by the emotional turmoil and guilt at having to balance Tonto and Sofies needs. I hate that I can't do anything with Sof without Tonto either being there or screaming in fear when she is separated from him. I'm shattered from the silent tears I cry at night unable to sleep at the thought of Tonto's pain and the horrid decision that looms over me. And now those dark thoughts are increasingly encroaching daylight hours and I find those silent tears fall frequently in the quiet times of the day. It is like a marathon in grief.
I want to see Tonto well, of course I want to see my beloved Tonto well and happy but that isn't going to happen.
It is going to take a lot of effort to get Tonto more comfortable but not completely well. It will be a lot of effort for a compromise. He might feel a bit less stiff, but he will still have hock pain. He might feel a bit more energised, but he will still have a reduced immune system. He might feel a bit happier, but he will still, most likely, be entirely dependent on Sofie. And the effort won't just be to get to this compromise, it will be to keep it and sustain it whilst he gets older, in inevitably fades again. And I am so very tired.
And of course its not just Tonto. Sofie needs my help to get better, although at least bearing her lameness is not as hard a burden as I think she is perfectly comfortable most days in the field and it shouldn't deteriorate.
And to top it all off the cat might have cancer.
I feel so guilty writing this but I am not sure I am strong enough to keep hoping and trying with Tonto. Equally I am really struggling to make the alternative decision, to put him down. I had said I would do it this summer - I even asked a friend to help. But I can't bring myself to set a date. At this point I just don't know what to do.
I guess I was hoping Silka would take Tonto on as a project and fix him for me. This is unrealistic and probably a bit unfair. I think Silka intends to show me some exercises and leave me to do them with the horses. I am not sure if I am going to manage it.
So given my exhaustion, and also my inability to make a decision I am going to defer it until the end of summer. I will try my best with Silka's training - one last push, and if there is no meaningful improvement then I will know that it is OK to let him go. Safe in the knowledge that I could do no more.
