Apologies for the pause in blogs, once again life got in the way.
Tonto has continued to deteriorate, he now struggles to put his hind feet back down when I pick them up, has repeated skin infections and has lost a lot of weight. Its has been a real worry for me. I have now put him in a pen next door to Sofie so that I can feed him more whilst keeping Sof from ballooning.
I have been doing some straightness training with Sofie, there have been a few bumps on the road - rearing and resisting, but of late she has really started relaxing and trying and I think it is helping our relationship. I think we have almost cracked LFS, shouldering in is getting there and I have just started haunches in - we get a few steps but then she gets confused. I think I am going to go back to shoulder in next week to see if this helps progression. Below is a little clip from a few weeks ago.
I haven't really done any with T - I started but he resisted the forward down and I didn't like pulling him around.
I have also been trying some alternative therapies with Tonto - mainly out of desperation and also to rule out all 'what-ifs' in my mind.
One of these was to have Suz from the straightness training workshop down to do cranio-sacral, equine touch and Reki healing on Tonto and Sofie. Now we already know my views on Reki from the trust technique stuff - but I figure never knock anything until you try it. Tonto seemed to enjoy the treatment, Sofie seemed more sceptical. I then also got Suz to work on me, more out of curiosity then anything else. It was very odd, as soon as she put her hands on me I felt a series of strange sensations all over my body. Then when she touched my problematic left knee I burst into tears - no idea why. Suz said that emotions are often stored in the knees - I don't believe this for one second... and yet since the emotional left knee incident it has actually felt better. I cannot explain this. I am almost annoyed by it because I can't just rule out raki and such like, expect I am just so damn pleased not to have a hurting left knee its hard to stay irritated for too long.
Tonto is also now wearing magnets - again I don't think they will work but I would be delighted to be proven wrong.
And today Silka has started working with Tonto and Sofie on her straightness training like program she has started with LaYarda Reha. With gentle encouragement I could see Tonto was moving more freely. Here is an interesting case study that gives me a bit of hope with T.
and a short vid from today
I should be delighted that some of these things show promise of helping Tonto, but to be honest I am just exhausted. I am exhausted by the constant worry and heartache of watching him slowly crumble in front of my eyes. I am exhausted by the emotional turmoil and guilt at having to balance Tonto and Sofies needs. I hate that I can't do anything with Sof without Tonto either being there or screaming in fear when she is separated from him. I'm shattered from the silent tears I cry at night unable to sleep at the thought of Tonto's pain and the horrid decision that looms over me. And now those dark thoughts are increasingly encroaching daylight hours and I find those silent tears fall frequently in the quiet times of the day. It is like a marathon in grief.
I want to see Tonto well, of course I want to see my beloved Tonto well and happy but that isn't going to happen.
It is going to take a lot of effort to get Tonto more comfortable but not completely well. It will be a lot of effort for a compromise. He might feel a bit less stiff, but he will still have hock pain. He might feel a bit more energised, but he will still have a reduced immune system. He might feel a bit happier, but he will still, most likely, be entirely dependent on Sofie. And the effort won't just be to get to this compromise, it will be to keep it and sustain it whilst he gets older, in inevitably fades again. And I am so very tired.
And of course its not just Tonto. Sofie needs my help to get better, although at least bearing her lameness is not as hard a burden as I think she is perfectly comfortable most days in the field and it shouldn't deteriorate.
And to top it all off the cat might have cancer.
I feel so guilty writing this but I am not sure I am strong enough to keep hoping and trying with Tonto. Equally I am really struggling to make the alternative decision, to put him down. I had said I would do it this summer - I even asked a friend to help. But I can't bring myself to set a date. At this point I just don't know what to do.
I guess I was hoping Silka would take Tonto on as a project and fix him for me. This is unrealistic and probably a bit unfair. I think Silka intends to show me some exercises and leave me to do them with the horses. I am not sure if I am going to manage it.
So given my exhaustion, and also my inability to make a decision I am going to defer it until the end of summer. I will try my best with Silka's training - one last push, and if there is no meaningful improvement then I will know that it is OK to let him go. Safe in the knowledge that I could do no more.
Tonto has continued to deteriorate, he now struggles to put his hind feet back down when I pick them up, has repeated skin infections and has lost a lot of weight. Its has been a real worry for me. I have now put him in a pen next door to Sofie so that I can feed him more whilst keeping Sof from ballooning.
I have been doing some straightness training with Sofie, there have been a few bumps on the road - rearing and resisting, but of late she has really started relaxing and trying and I think it is helping our relationship. I think we have almost cracked LFS, shouldering in is getting there and I have just started haunches in - we get a few steps but then she gets confused. I think I am going to go back to shoulder in next week to see if this helps progression. Below is a little clip from a few weeks ago.
I haven't really done any with T - I started but he resisted the forward down and I didn't like pulling him around.
I have also been trying some alternative therapies with Tonto - mainly out of desperation and also to rule out all 'what-ifs' in my mind.
One of these was to have Suz from the straightness training workshop down to do cranio-sacral, equine touch and Reki healing on Tonto and Sofie. Now we already know my views on Reki from the trust technique stuff - but I figure never knock anything until you try it. Tonto seemed to enjoy the treatment, Sofie seemed more sceptical. I then also got Suz to work on me, more out of curiosity then anything else. It was very odd, as soon as she put her hands on me I felt a series of strange sensations all over my body. Then when she touched my problematic left knee I burst into tears - no idea why. Suz said that emotions are often stored in the knees - I don't believe this for one second... and yet since the emotional left knee incident it has actually felt better. I cannot explain this. I am almost annoyed by it because I can't just rule out raki and such like, expect I am just so damn pleased not to have a hurting left knee its hard to stay irritated for too long.
Tonto is also now wearing magnets - again I don't think they will work but I would be delighted to be proven wrong.
And today Silka has started working with Tonto and Sofie on her straightness training like program she has started with LaYarda Reha. With gentle encouragement I could see Tonto was moving more freely. Here is an interesting case study that gives me a bit of hope with T.
and a short vid from today
I should be delighted that some of these things show promise of helping Tonto, but to be honest I am just exhausted. I am exhausted by the constant worry and heartache of watching him slowly crumble in front of my eyes. I am exhausted by the emotional turmoil and guilt at having to balance Tonto and Sofies needs. I hate that I can't do anything with Sof without Tonto either being there or screaming in fear when she is separated from him. I'm shattered from the silent tears I cry at night unable to sleep at the thought of Tonto's pain and the horrid decision that looms over me. And now those dark thoughts are increasingly encroaching daylight hours and I find those silent tears fall frequently in the quiet times of the day. It is like a marathon in grief.
I want to see Tonto well, of course I want to see my beloved Tonto well and happy but that isn't going to happen.
It is going to take a lot of effort to get Tonto more comfortable but not completely well. It will be a lot of effort for a compromise. He might feel a bit less stiff, but he will still have hock pain. He might feel a bit more energised, but he will still have a reduced immune system. He might feel a bit happier, but he will still, most likely, be entirely dependent on Sofie. And the effort won't just be to get to this compromise, it will be to keep it and sustain it whilst he gets older, in inevitably fades again. And I am so very tired.
And of course its not just Tonto. Sofie needs my help to get better, although at least bearing her lameness is not as hard a burden as I think she is perfectly comfortable most days in the field and it shouldn't deteriorate.
And to top it all off the cat might have cancer.
I feel so guilty writing this but I am not sure I am strong enough to keep hoping and trying with Tonto. Equally I am really struggling to make the alternative decision, to put him down. I had said I would do it this summer - I even asked a friend to help. But I can't bring myself to set a date. At this point I just don't know what to do.
I guess I was hoping Silka would take Tonto on as a project and fix him for me. This is unrealistic and probably a bit unfair. I think Silka intends to show me some exercises and leave me to do them with the horses. I am not sure if I am going to manage it.
So given my exhaustion, and also my inability to make a decision I am going to defer it until the end of summer. I will try my best with Silka's training - one last push, and if there is no meaningful improvement then I will know that it is OK to let him go. Safe in the knowledge that I could do no more.
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